Dry Paint
A long day followed by a quick pint. An ideal round off, especially given my line of work. Ten hours of watching paint dry (literally) and all I want is some good conversation and a healthy debate. The mind needs it. I decide The Glum Chump suits my needs. A bonny wee boozer off Leaches Nest, next to the train station. Full of locals and tourists, all under one roof, despising the other in equal proportions whilst simultaneously having a lark. What's not to like? Or so I thunk.
"What can I get you?"
"Lager. No. Bitter"
"You sure"
"No"
"Nevermind"
The barman goes ahead and pours me a vodka tonic and calls it a night.
Still unsure I take a seat and look for company.
To my left a pair are deep in debate.
Perfect.
I say debate, they might as well be at each others throats.
Naturally, I intervene.
"Gents! May I join?"
I forgive myself for thinking I've spat at them given the looks I get. Still, they nod and one of them kicks the stool out for me to sit. So sit I do.
"Ken here reckons it's our duty to be proud"
"Kev here has no pride at all"
"Kev and Ken" I reply. "That's cause for confusion"
More glares.
"Ken here seems to follow blindly what he's told"
"Kev here reckons he's different to me"
"Oh yeah! Is that so!"
"It fucking is!"
Both men stand up and I'm half scared things will come to blows so I suggest to buy a round.
"Same again, chaps?"
The men sit down, nod, and I leave and return with three rounds of lager.
"So what are you?" They say simultaneously.
Taken aback by their synchronisity I fumble my reply and mumble something about nothing.
"See Kev! He doesn't think much of this 'ere cuntry"
"He's only embarrassed to admit it cos of your lot making people ashamed"
"ASHAMED! ASHAMED OF WHAT?!"
The men are standing again. Sensing a bust up, I decide to interject. "Ashamed of what?"
"Ashamed of your nation(!)(?)" They cry in unison. One making a statement. One a question.
Feeling confused, I press further.
"Why would I be ashamed"
"Exactly!" - Ken
"Why wouldn't you be!" -Kev
"Look what we've done!" - Ken
"Exactly!" - Kev
"A great nation" - Ken
"An evil nation" - Kev
"Our hardships and our triumphs" - Ken
"Our wrongs and our attocities" - Kev
"Chaps, I'm lost" - Me
"We were conquered and we conquered" - Ken
"We steal and pillage" - Kev
"WHO FUCKING DOESN'T!" - Ken
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!"
The pints I brought over (bar mine) are yet to be touched. Mine is on its last legs and I stand up to get another when both men grab a shoulder each and shake me like a child who's just decided to think for it's self.
"NO!" They both cry. "STAY PUT!"
It suddenly dawns on me that I'd rather be anywhere else.
"You're proud of this here nation aren't you?" - Ken
"I..." - Me
"You're putting words in his mouth" - Kev
"And you're making him feel uncomfortable with your ideas of pseudo progression" - Ken
"This nation has literally fucked the world" - Kev
"Name a nation that hasn't" - Ken
"And that makes it alright does it?" - Kev
"So you're happy to live somewhere where your preferences could mean life or death? One where your mother was mere currency? One where you'd no say in who was in charge?" - Ken
"So you're happy to go along with this circus? Profit of others misery? Know that your luxury is bought and paid for by others? - Kev
Kev and Ken's voices have raised and by now the pub is filling and to be honest, I'm wondering if it wasn't a better idea to work some overtime at the paint drying factory.
"Then why don't you leave" - ?
"Why would I? - ?
"Because..." - ?
"Because what?" - ?
The pair start growling, only not at each other, but at me.
"So what is it lad?!" They say in unison.
"Be you feelings pride?" - ?
"Or are you along for the ride" - ?